Before the Rain

Do you ever open your Facebook memories and suddenly find yourself staring at a former version of you with an entirely different understanding?

I did recently, and it is eerie realizing how much truth was hiding behind a simple meme I shared about fake friends.

WHEW… 10 years later and this memory hits completely differently.

At the time, I thought it was simply about learning who not to trust.

Now I realize it was also about learning not to allow other people’s actions to harden my heart, destroy my integrity, or change who I am at my core.

I will never apologize for continuing to try to see the good in people.

For believing people can change.
For forgiving first and communicating later, once emotions settle and the dust clears.

Nor will I apologize for opening my door, because I still believe everyone deserves empathy, grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love at least once in their lifetime.

I accepted a long time ago that life is hard. It is one storm after another mixed with little pockets of sunshine in between. That has been my journey in this lifetime.

Did I lack boundaries?

ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY!

But I will never apologize for trusting people I had loved for decades or for showing new people the same respect when they had given me no reason to doubt their intentions.

The truth is, I have only ever fully unmasked for one person.

And when that person, along with family and people I once considered my tribe, participated in the destruction of my peace… when they believed rumors, spread assumptions, involved my children, smiled in my face while knowing the storm I was standing in, and allowed other people’s opinions to become facts in their minds…

it became one of the deepest heartbreaks I have ever experienced.

The story of a girl who never wanted anyone to feel what she had felt, unknowingly walking herself into a perfect storm of betrayal, heartache, fear, and ultimately gratitude.

I will no longer apologize for the abuse I endured.

I will no longer carry guilt for the damage other people caused that altered the trajectory of my children’s lives.

Victims being forced to endlessly prove their abuse while simultaneously trying to survive it is a conversation for another day.

But this one?

This one is about release.

I release the need to understand why.

Because harming children emotionally, spiritually, or physically is something I will never comprehend.

I was never meant to.

You could hand me every explanation in the world and I still would not have it in me to do what was done to us.

“I hope my story helps someone along the way” is something I have said for decades.

But this release…
This lesson…

This one was for me.

And I found the most unexpected things inside of it:

Humility.
Perspective.
Gratitude.
Courage.

Southern Peanut